this pic ot Stacey is painted. by me
I am still in the part where its all a blur and each thing I have to do takes me forever to get done.
It is an exhausting process because I want to get things done exactly the way she wanted it to be.
She wanted something for her funeral and that was interrupted by her family who in their loss needed to do it their way. I asked them not to and to give her the last rite and ritual she so wanted, however they refused. Even though I saw the pain in their face and eyes, it was still about her not them. Not even me.
They did however give me her ashes which was a wonderful act, then we got to give her away the way she chose, and her choices were very important to her. She will soon be floating with the fishes in the Caribbean.
It made me happy to follow her wishes in that way, and very sad, letting her ashes go was the third hardest thing I had to do.
1. Was believe she was as sick as she was. And be there along side of her as her struggle became less and then harder. i didn't believe until she passed she would ... i had such a young kid kinda hope ... IT all began with Graves disease in its worst form, then cancer two times of her blood, then she was diagnosed with cancer of the uterus and her kidneys were going the night before she passed away. Funny no horrible when someone this young dies they ask, did she commit suicide? or was it drugs?
2. Was accepting the difference in our open now that she is not here. Its so sad and quiet and unbearable.
3. Following her wishes and letting go of her ashes in the way she wanted.
We were very much in love and had been together a year and half .. we were still in our honwy-moon stages. even though her illness made her a very crabby person. And when she wasn't crabby she was very loving and adoring..
I feel blessed to have been able to love her and offer her the love I could. As in all illnesses friends, family, and old worlds we would have liked to remain in our lives leave. And that happened to her. People choose to believe she was the problem. And instead it was the hormones poisned her system, people left her. But that seem to happen to her from early childhood. She made an amazing life for herself compared to what happened to her...
She was an incredible doctor which was gifted beyond understanding... She was so amazing. I hope your spirit is now free and you can go anywhere you want, see those kids you missed and travel about playing happily. Because when you were free of the pain and the debilitating illnesses you were so free... I was so amazed at your sense of abilities... Compared to what you were given to deal with. I was proud to be your partner and close friend. I was proud to believe in you. And honor who you were.
Who you never stopped being no matter how sick you were... I am so glad we said those magical things we said each day to the other
your to me:
i will always take care of you
i will always love you
i will never leave you
me to you: i love you
i believe in you
i adore who you are.
I still do! I never believed you did anything except in who you were and always were...!
I am so proud of you that you said, finally, you hoped that man that raped you at 10 yrs old was in jail. What a step for your ownself kind.. to let yourself be mad at someone who helped ruien your life for so long. I am so happy you said two nights before you passed. I was shocked but we hugged and I watched you like that small child abused grow up in that minute.
I love you, Babe
It is an exhausting process because I want to get things done exactly the way she wanted it to be.
She wanted something for her funeral and that was interrupted by her family who in their loss needed to do it their way. I asked them not to and to give her the last rite and ritual she so wanted, however they refused. Even though I saw the pain in their face and eyes, it was still about her not them. Not even me.
They did however give me her ashes which was a wonderful act, then we got to give her away the way she chose, and her choices were very important to her. She will soon be floating with the fishes in the Caribbean.
It made me happy to follow her wishes in that way, and very sad, letting her ashes go was the third hardest thing I had to do.
1. Was believe she was as sick as she was. And be there along side of her as her struggle became less and then harder. i didn't believe until she passed she would ... i had such a young kid kinda hope ... IT all began with Graves disease in its worst form, then cancer two times of her blood, then she was diagnosed with cancer of the uterus and her kidneys were going the night before she passed away. Funny no horrible when someone this young dies they ask, did she commit suicide? or was it drugs?
2. Was accepting the difference in our open now that she is not here. Its so sad and quiet and unbearable.
3. Following her wishes and letting go of her ashes in the way she wanted.
We were very much in love and had been together a year and half .. we were still in our honwy-moon stages. even though her illness made her a very crabby person. And when she wasn't crabby she was very loving and adoring..
I feel blessed to have been able to love her and offer her the love I could. As in all illnesses friends, family, and old worlds we would have liked to remain in our lives leave. And that happened to her. People choose to believe she was the problem. And instead it was the hormones poisned her system, people left her. But that seem to happen to her from early childhood. She made an amazing life for herself compared to what happened to her...
She was an incredible doctor which was gifted beyond understanding... She was so amazing. I hope your spirit is now free and you can go anywhere you want, see those kids you missed and travel about playing happily. Because when you were free of the pain and the debilitating illnesses you were so free... I was so amazed at your sense of abilities... Compared to what you were given to deal with. I was proud to be your partner and close friend. I was proud to believe in you. And honor who you were.
Who you never stopped being no matter how sick you were... I am so glad we said those magical things we said each day to the other
your to me:
i will always take care of you
i will always love you
i will never leave you
me to you: i love you
i believe in you
i adore who you are.
I still do! I never believed you did anything except in who you were and always were...!
I am so proud of you that you said, finally, you hoped that man that raped you at 10 yrs old was in jail. What a step for your ownself kind.. to let yourself be mad at someone who helped ruien your life for so long. I am so happy you said two nights before you passed. I was shocked but we hugged and I watched you like that small child abused grow up in that minute.
I love you, Babe
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