Nights that make one shutter

Tonight I am sitting here watching Design Star and cheering Antino on and he won!! Yeah!!
My thoughts keep wondering to the real my present set of hell as it unfolded this last week... Its the night before I go for ultra sounds, two one for my stomach and one for the aorta in my heart. On a random visit to the heart doctor, actually wanting to know if the Bata blockers would help my mild anxiety instead he discovered what appears or could be an aneurism in the aorta or stomach. Now I am totally anxious! At first I went into mild shock and anger about having done the cancer thing three times, all my losses of son and parents as well as three best friends then I seem to go into a quiet .. It reminds of the color amber I don’t know why but it does.
That color is amazing to me its brilliant and subdued at the same time. So that is what this newest moment of hysteria blanketed by reality of what the hell … I am not good at this, so I don’t know how people are so brave to just plain quiet about life as it unfolds. For me its anything but that.
So in this moment of my big reveal of such a moment of constant shutter this is what I am doing to night being terrorized yet again by real life. As in the background I am listening to the people on television talking about their newest designs. Clothes, houses, I am always searching for the newest artists to show me what they have to offer. I am such a ready participant of the arts and in awe of all artists.

Feeling as if one were fading out...

Hair fades ‘gradually
Eventually
Its slips to gray then
Onto silver
Unlike what we expect
Fade to black
Our crowning glory
Is expansive
It once again creates
The incredible experience
It drops down shade after shade
It stops being
A buoyant experience
And then our entire self
Surrenders before, during and after
This phenomena explodes
For some of us and it takes us years
To accept this… I am one
I am no in acceptance or I would not
Experience the outing of my hair…
As it is gray, black and a wee bite of silver
That gives me hope…
Yes, silver gives me hope..
Gray drains my energy and face
My eyes have stopped smiling
My face, its smile is gone..
I am in a now of freak out
I am a freak
Of now…
Who said aging is easier than
Anything else..