week 5.5 Live With No Regrets

Break threw

Tears
Sting
They touch
They bite
They beat
They seem to
Swallow my
Breath…
They are there always
Awaiting
Waiting
I am so hurt
At your dying
At your breathless
Body laying
On the bathroom floor
God I knew one day
That would happen…
How often had I found you that
Way, 20 or 30 times
Several times a month (but each

Off to doctors, no answers, just lots of visits)
Time I would call your name and
You would pop up like
A small toy, with long red hair
Falling over the side of one of those
Boxes…
I would say, Stacey why don’t you
Call me, let me call an ambulance..
Why don’t you let me know you need help
And you would smile and say, I have you,
You always find me, and take care of me
You always put me to bed, take out
My contacts, brush my teeth or hair
Hold you hands as they curled up
In small child like balls
I knew one day, If I were blessed with finding
Your precious body, you hand would be that
Way and they were…
You had the face of an angel that morning
You were sleeping,
Eternally
But sleeping soundly
Enough
Not to come back
Not to raise your head
Open your eyes, did you still
Have your blue contacts in
Where did you wedding band go
Does your horrible family have that
They are as you said, they want to take
Everything
They are as crazy as you said, and so is
V, you were right, they are the same
The whole bunch of them…
Only they didn’t get to see your
Being
Slipping away
They were so use to abusing you
They like all abusers think
They have an endless time to
Pursue the blatant insanity…
I saw you, thank you for trusting
Your being with me so I can say, how
Much I loved you…
For that last time..
Thank you…
I still see us dancing in Starbucks
To Leonard Cohen…
And you telling everyone so proudly how
He sang this at our wedding, and you turned
Me around then swallowed me
Up in your arms again, your eye
Looking deeply into mine..
Our intimacy blazing..
Lovely thought maybe I can go to bed now..
And rest in your amber of peace…
Adoration
And brilliance you gave…
　
　
　
c Dharma Barbara Rose G

First Holiday Alone painting in progress by Dharma Barbara Rose Guada

i guess i never thought this would happen, me being without you on a holiday. even though holidays were rocky due to your life story and how it all came down on you. against you and how you had to crawl toward where you thought you belonged and how those people let you down.

it was hard to watch you last year feel so ignored and devalued by your family and would be cared abouts. it was actually a very hard holiday season on me, but i got it for you. and thought this one i can pass on, cause next one we will have ... we will play with all of our new friends. which we made and were making.

however i do understand you were right we should have travelled that year. but you were so sick, physically drained, but i now see you were right, we should have headed up north and hung out with the family you were now apart of. then into Manhattan to see the windows in the snow..

so much for waiting for time to find its right place huh...

no it wasn't an easy time due to your life's destruction but you were so worth every minute of it because of who you really were. i keep wanting to say who you are. i guess i am sure ur sitting across the room over watching over my shoulder. if you were alive you wouldn't be able to see what i was writing cause we bath had such bad eyes.

there is a hollow

where

an air is

blowing

past

its filled with

coldness

its empty

its heart hurting

its simply pained

and painful...

c Dharma Barbara Rose G

my book on your life story is going very well. i am so proud of being able to tell your story with feeling and pride that you carried yourself in.

oh yes, my daughter Susan is marring David, in a few days, I need to get on a plane and go. She has told me not to, its just a short thing, but its still her day, I would have loved having our families are out wedding!!!

found out the apartment i rented is under some kine of bi laws thing here, so i can rent it for only six months. by god what a waste of moving time. however i can write here very well. so i shall remain and complete your book.

i love you.................. in your words, " wife" that was me!!!

My parnter passed away, October 16, 2009

this pic ot Stacey is painted. by me

I am still in the part where its all a blur and each thing I have to do takes me forever to get done.
It is an exhausting process because I want to get things done exactly the way she wanted it to be.

She wanted something for her funeral and that was interrupted by her family who in their loss needed to do it their way. I asked them not to and to give her the last rite and ritual she so wanted, however they refused. Even though I saw the pain in their face and eyes, it was still about her not them. Not even me.

They did however give me her ashes which was a wonderful act, then we got to give her away the way she chose, and her choices were very important to her. She will soon be floating with the fishes in the Caribbean.

It made me happy to follow her wishes in that way, and very sad, letting her ashes go was the third hardest thing I had to do.

1. Was believe she was as sick as she was. And be there along side of her as her struggle became less and then harder. i didn't believe until she passed she would ... i had such a young kid kinda hope ... IT all began with Graves disease in its worst form, then cancer two times of her blood, then she was diagnosed with cancer of the uterus and her kidneys were going the night before she passed away. Funny no horrible when someone this young dies they ask, did she commit suicide? or was it drugs?

2. Was accepting the difference in our open now that she is not here. Its so sad and quiet and unbearable.

3. Following her wishes and letting go of her ashes in the way she wanted.

We were very much in love and had been together a year and half .. we were still in our honwy-moon stages. even though her illness made her a very crabby person. And when she wasn't crabby she was very loving and adoring..

I feel blessed to have been able to love her and offer her the love I could. As in all illnesses friends, family, and old worlds we would have liked to remain in our lives leave. And that happened to her. People choose to believe she was the problem. And instead it was the hormones poisned her system, people left her. But that seem to happen to her from early childhood. She made an amazing life for herself compared to what happened to her...

She was an incredible doctor which was gifted beyond understanding... She was so amazing. I hope your spirit is now free and you can go anywhere you want, see those kids you missed and travel about playing happily. Because when you were free of the pain and the debilitating illnesses you were so free... I was so amazed at your sense of abilities... Compared to what you were given to deal with. I was proud to be your partner and close friend. I was proud to believe in you. And honor who you were.

Who you never stopped being no matter how sick you were... I am so glad we said those magical things we said each day to the other
your to me:
i will always take care of you
i will always love you
i will never leave you

me to you: i love you
i believe in you
i adore who you are.

I still do! I never believed you did anything except in who you were and always were...!

I am so proud of you that you said, finally, you hoped that man that raped you at 10 yrs old was in jail. What a step for your ownself kind.. to let yourself be mad at someone who helped ruien your life for so long. I am so happy you said two nights before you passed. I was shocked but we hugged and I watched you like that small child abused grow up in that minute.

I love you, Babe