Gen Too Old

When did it happen that i became apart of that exhausting imagination "gen too old".

Anxiety so this run...

Is a symptom you can change  .. this trick worked for me. I was going for a run, 5.30 a.m. and as i went out the back door it happened, should I go forward or fright myself back in.. wait until a breath returns.
Go on and as i left the buildings my thoughts went to the dying woman in floor 6 and her partner. After hearing his evening with her.. i though as the fear closed. This is for you, feel the breeze, the light as it comes out. Here let me touch the wet bushes  can you feel it. Like a tiny shower. I'll walk in the fountain today... water grounds...
Each day i did this in hopes her journey would be lighter in the light. 

Years (2019) End

Is closing in on us.. Time is swiftly yelling out new year. 

What has this year taught me? That people living off of our tax dollars are not frugile,  instead in their desire to be right, those of us who of pay taxes got screwed. 

We have become a nation who exhaust, who knows maybe we were built brutalizing and called it squatters rights. 

Well this year provoke only loss.

Growing older is not ones "golden" years. Its hard as hell. Facing ones tombstone and the words it will say, is so painful. I hope mine will say, "she loved and respected the best she could". Or forgive me just in case you feel I didnt.or If you have nothing nice to say shut the fuck up!

But most of all "peace". 

And living in the woods is both beautiful as well as isolating. Mostly I learned you cant escape lonely. 

impeachment hearings 2019

Maybe i should put it easier! 

Was there any corruption,quid pro quo ? 

No, by the two people in (two heads of countries in recorded conversation.. 

By the accuser's (Democrats) there was corruption and that was quid pro quo. We are saying it so its so. We are making up the rules .. too bad ... 

Conutry in our next election and vote lets make sure these people are with jobs.

imoeachment Hearings

Listening to these hearings reminds of two things 1. A child who lies about being a bully  and his friends swear to it. And he keeps bulling. And everyone looks the other way.

2. A patient in a mental hospital that talks of his unseen, unknown life as if he is living it. And he is instead a long  term mental patient . The better of the 2 is number 2, he has a chance.

Number 1 is lost to his actions, covered up by his family, friends (co workers, etc) and school (general public) ...

These hearings are so bizarre its pathetic.  

The understanding of right from wrong is at its weakest point. 

Letting go of being a Democratic

To show the road show for impeachment .. all I know is what I learned is wanting something and how to get there excludes me a Democrat... I believe in the law and it was written to serve all. And that impeachment is and must fall under our noe laws. A law for this and a law for that is meaningless. We have a supreme court to makes sure this happens and is balanced. Back in the day when the framers wrote it which came from two things, 1. A possibilities of throwing out that sitting president and 2. To keep someone  from being a possible president. So it came from inner conflict and from a fight or flight reaction due to fear or possible loss or someone's possible win.
But today after watching  what happened to President Obama duemring his reign and watching this hear say, make up any reason to impeach i can no longer consider myself a Democrat. Now that i say this there is a huge relief ... I have felt like my years of service as a voice for the Democrat party I oi personally feel like those people do not represent me what I believe in. 

1984 and today

I have never admired teachers, professors or even education. Today I am sure I was right. Clearly that clarity is certainly in Kurt Vongut's writings. 
I am watching people rewrite the constitution as if they were there in England wearing white ugly wiggs. And these people aren't even barristers,
(attorneys). They are however as in
the book 1984 is evolving in front of us in all ways they thought would happen. And that too was to be a story making two histories into a story. Only it has been adapted by the newer generations  become fashionable  taking  robbing life and its all on hearsay. And evolved in losses of all types,  jobs, families, drugs, anger, rage has become a way of life. The lack of equality, simple things our country did to accomplish emptiness...
This country seem to think the use to political silence where we the people were battling to stay on any level long enough to feel safely. Feed the kids, send them to school dogging the $300. tennis shoes or bullets from gangs, grandparents departure to live in places where children show up only at their convenience. So today as i listen to the witnesses on impeachment i know i was right in teaching.. stay away from it... becoming an expert makes you a foolish creature. However as amusing as it seems I question the intellectual honesty is nothing more  than verbiage.
Talking heads yakking away what makes it even worse its about passion..where impassion is anger. 

Moms

A life time of learning,  teaching, enduring,

I an finally grateful 

To have stepped

Back and away 

From so many things that kept me busy trying 

To have time to breath. I lived a lifetime of (well since 30) sobriety and when you stop all habit forming things you have the privilege to feel in thoughts. Not stop thoughts ... because of having feelings that were driven by losses that just keep you reeling. Today I am again grateful to keep moving forward. As mom mother said, "if I could ask you  frim doing anything ...

it would be to keep you going forward and  don't live as I have. Alone and waiting." Well mom I won't! 

Dharma Barbara Rose to c2018

 

Changes

Anger 

Ill at rest, unrest, anger and hate. 

I wonder why my friends here in the USA who are very aware and in our own ways evolved~ yet have forgotten that using those methods via those feelings only lead to losing.

Yes, loss in each day you scream, yell, attack or demand is another loss.  

Trying to inspire others into seeing you're right.  Are instead you wakeup the next day without and angrier. 

Anger instead inspires the reversal of what you want, it creates voids, silence, humiliation and degradation. (At times self loathing.)

You do not end up with being heard or a 'thanks for allowing me to hear you'.

Maybe sometimes your feelings and timing is way off.

Or your behavior is proving to you that anger really does lead to nowhere.