breeding survivors and predators

O, love's best habit is in seeming trust
William Shakespeare


as i read this again and again, i think of children as they grow and how without reservation they grown in love their own feelings of love. they are self nurtured its so pure.. then they become young teens, then teens, go into school and are some of the meanest people that could walk the face of the earth.

i am watching this incredible meanness and disgusting behavior. my grand daughter had open heart surgery many times and it left her with a scare on her chest. her life and our gift of her life is that scare. it reminds of us the gift given to us by birth, the illness then life saving techniques that continue this life.

and one day while walking in her school she wasn’t even out of grammar school i heard these two girls making fun of her for the sickness the scare. i was shocked, actually horrified. then i heard it again for the same girls in junior high school. and it goes on and on....

i guess i am confused at why these children are allowed to remain in school. in her school? with her attacking her happiness, and life on such a brutal level .. abuse she is sustaining abuse each day we ask our society not to do. we arrest people for this. we prosecute them. we call them abusers. but as children they are said not be, nothing we can do? hold them accountable now. not later on when they are all living in the world of abuse that they have learned there is nothing u can do about it now.

help your kids, grandchildren make them accountable for abuse. send them to training classes like adults have to do to. sent them to step programs make it mandatory and most of all see what kind of abuse they must be living with to give it out. and stop calling it kids these days...

back to my subject line ... seeming trust... love... don’t fail your children now or your grand children just in case your own child cant see past their own pressures of life.

please follow me on Dharma33 now

i cannot get into the just do it blog on this. thanks so much hope to see u all soon there. Dharma

Thanks so much to............ those who...

Today I am looking for answers then I spoke to a wise woman who said, don’t stay your life is going nowhere. Please say, “you have been asked to take a new journey that is going to take to new and better things.”

It was interesting to hear her say this, because I had spoken to several people who wanted me to blame myself for life taking turns I am going to have to work for to fix things, change them. Make it more than a germ of an idea.

On that note I am going to digress into the story of my father in law, his name is Herman Segelin and he always included me as a woman with a brain not just daughter in law … the mother of grandchildren or his sons wife. I was instead a student with him, he would say, come in here, as I walked to his study, sit down. He began to teach me Hebrew. And one of his favorite things to say, is, it’s just a germ of an idea now. But it will flourish into something to learn from, to teach, and find answers.

So as for my wise friend Huguette who encouraged me to find the sense of peace and adventure in my looking for this new journey and job. I mean who will hire me at my age. She said, so many gallery owners or shop owners, you have so much potential. You are woman who has so much to offer. So offer it, and shall call you tomorrow and I will watch you work this toward what you need.

Interestingly enough my mentors, and those who believe in me and see my potential are not my family, or even closest of friends, they have always been those who have time to look at us magically as still pure and always past something that takes courage.

I said, it was just last week, that I felt to alone, so sad, and extremely without and looked up the right hand corner of the room, as I always have, it seem my god, is there waiting my newest wish. So I said, its all empty, I am without and really don’t know what I want. So can you please show me.

Well you certainly did open up a bag of worms.. Smile

Valentines Day 20101

Happy Valentines Day

I will always, miss you, think about you and know somewhere you are somewhere. Doing your new thing.

In thinking about your life and your abilities and how you could uncover the hardest of things in your profession and come up with a remedy that made so many well. I remember hearing people say, had you had a “normal” childhood you could have been even more of service to human kind and possibly been the discoverer of curing cancer.

Since in your profession you did that. I think you did what you were to and did it damn well.

My heart longs to hear your footsteps stumble in the door and watch you smile, or feel your good bye or hello kiss again. Imagine that I can actually say, I had met the love o my life. And she was a red head. I guess that is what one is to do, before you I had thought I would have lived this life without that. But I didn’t. Thank you!

My heart is filled with love because I was loved. How generous is that gift which was given to me. I learned what it was like to be loved, unconditionally.

To my friends and family, thank you for your always love, and caring for it doesn’t not get put on the back burner.

New Life

All in our own timing, that is what grieving is about, the length isnt the issue the loss is, the sense of impending doom is gone, the doom was waiting for your loved on to live or die. And if you close enough to them you know they are dying. Those who werent can say, they shouldnt have died, too young. To soon, to hard, to ...

Only there isnt any real response other than they lived, loved and died. And I was lucky enough to walk this last walk with Stacey and share her volumes of knowledge not through her but via her people who offered her life in story and love land. Her AA stories are amazing, her life in general. Good on you Stace!

Now this year is about my recovery for that time I spend with her and her illnesses and what it was like to live as a survivor for a loved one who is gone and and is somewhere in the beyond.

During my illness I almost died two times, the last one was horrible, there were no friends, lovers, partners, moms, dads, sons, no one a dark space with a light at the end of the tunnel. As I was called forward, I saw this plot of land or darkened area that had my name written on it. Barbara Rose Guada. "Here, this is yours, come stand on it."

I knew it wasnt a place I wanted to be for any reason, so struggled to gather breath and shake it off, and I finally struggled through to the consious state of life as we experience it. On my way, all I could think of was, I want to live, not die, I am not there, not yet, I want my healthy body back and I want to live, love and dance, in my own honor. Not the honor of the dead.

My two weeks in medical hell

Healthcare and health issues: My body needed care and it got fear and terror instead.
On December 23, 2009, I got sick, I felt as if I had a tickle in my throat and then as two days come I sicker with a cough, called my doc and he told me to take antibiotic so I began, taking two 500 milligrams four times a day until I felt better 57 pills were givent to me.

As the week of the year came I became weak, and gray, no color in my lips, unable to walk, eat, I felt a sense of life leaving my body, the cough was worse, my breath was good and my heart was pounding. I coughed one night all night. I was not even conscious. I tried to feel life and felt emptiness. The day before I went to hospital I went to store, got Jell-O and pudding. I could eat that. After I ate both Jell-O/raspberry, I went to sleep then woke up coughing all night, to wake at 10:30 am. I thought let me get up and get moving, only I couldn’t move so I sat there on my bed, with my legs crossed. 5 hours later, after realizing could not pick and catch my breath. I called a taxi and said pick me up in two hours, I have myself that to get on my jeans, sweater, I keep feeling as if I were going to pass out over and over again.
A week went by, and I began feeling worse, and I thought let me call my heart doctor and ask them, so I did, she said go to hospital if you feel worse.
I walked to the cab and crawled in, he was med tech so he was very kind, got me a nurse and wheel chair. I went in and then waited, for about 20 minutes and I kept falling over and almost passing out.
The nurse, did a EEG and found an irregular heart beat, rapid and blood work showed I had very low potassium. Possible pneumonia looked for the Swine Flu, not. But I didn’t have chills and fever which keep the search for what could it be to come out? Thank god so far. I didn’t understand how sick I had been for three days. When my friend Devi, said, your potassium, was only 2 god, you could have died at any minute.
The blur of sickness makes its blurring to get to answers.
As the answers unfold what also unfolds is every fact, hospitals didn’t like its visitors to remain after 3 days because insurance doesn’t pay. Fuck insurance in the US of A. So who stops taking care of the patient, EVERYONE. Nurses, Doctors, vital testing, blood testing at the end of 2 days, they just stop. ALL of it STOPS.
I didn’t get it at first and I thought what an odd thing, I have a whole hospital not doing anything. My heart doc, begged me to remain, so I did. I will get that info in the morning but until then I was given a new dose of antibiotics because the insurance needs to see this being done, after all!!! Fuck insurance in the US of A. my mouth is raw now, we are being taken into a new archaic time … I call it new because its not old. What is old, is the lack of healthcare in the US of A.
Stupid is as stupid does? Thanks for Forrest Gump’ mom. They could make money one what is need to heal and that is another chest x-ray or another blood test to back of their lack of work and discharge of a patient.
Work on why the potassium wont hold in safe range, why and what is the liquid that is in the heart and lung area, why aren’t the antibiotics work, what will? Simple questions, keep the insurance happy and fill its needs and then give the doc, employees happy cause they would be doing what they need to. Instead I have entire hospital of angry people unable and there a nurse who has a cold and coughing flu working with those poor people who have, infecting, now wearing a mask.
Hello when did it all go nuts in the world.
FUCK INSURANCE IN THE US of A.