All in our own timing, that is what grieving is about, the length isnt the issue the loss is, the sense of impending doom is gone, the doom was waiting for your loved on to live or die. And if you close enough to them you know they are dying. Those who werent can say, they shouldnt have died, too young. To soon, to hard, to ...
Only there isnt any real response other than they lived, loved and died. And I was lucky enough to walk this last walk with Stacey and share her volumes of knowledge not through her but via her people who offered her life in story and love land. Her AA stories are amazing, her life in general. Good on you Stace!
Now this year is about my recovery for that time I spend with her and her illnesses and what it was like to live as a survivor for a loved one who is gone and and is somewhere in the beyond.
During my illness I almost died two times, the last one was horrible, there were no friends, lovers, partners, moms, dads, sons, no one a dark space with a light at the end of the tunnel. As I was called forward, I saw this plot of land or darkened area that had my name written on it. Barbara Rose Guada. "Here, this is yours, come stand on it."
I knew it wasnt a place I wanted to be for any reason, so struggled to gather breath and shake it off, and I finally struggled through to the consious state of life as we experience it. On my way, all I could think of was, I want to live, not die, I am not there, not yet, I want my healthy body back and I want to live, love and dance, in my own honor. Not the honor of the dead.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Saturday, January 2, 2010
My two weeks in medical hell
Healthcare and health issues: My body needed care and it got fear and terror instead.
On December 23, 2009, I got sick, I felt as if I had a tickle in my throat and then as two days come I sicker with a cough, called my doc and he told me to take antibiotic so I began, taking two 500 milligrams four times a day until I felt better 57 pills were givent to me.
As the week of the year came I became weak, and gray, no color in my lips, unable to walk, eat, I felt a sense of life leaving my body, the cough was worse, my breath was good and my heart was pounding. I coughed one night all night. I was not even conscious. I tried to feel life and felt emptiness. The day before I went to hospital I went to store, got Jell-O and pudding. I could eat that. After I ate both Jell-O/raspberry, I went to sleep then woke up coughing all night, to wake at 10:30 am. I thought let me get up and get moving, only I couldn’t move so I sat there on my bed, with my legs crossed. 5 hours later, after realizing could not pick and catch my breath. I called a taxi and said pick me up in two hours, I have myself that to get on my jeans, sweater, I keep feeling as if I were going to pass out over and over again.
A week went by, and I began feeling worse, and I thought let me call my heart doctor and ask them, so I did, she said go to hospital if you feel worse.
I walked to the cab and crawled in, he was med tech so he was very kind, got me a nurse and wheel chair. I went in and then waited, for about 20 minutes and I kept falling over and almost passing out.
The nurse, did a EEG and found an irregular heart beat, rapid and blood work showed I had very low potassium. Possible pneumonia looked for the Swine Flu, not. But I didn’t have chills and fever which keep the search for what could it be to come out? Thank god so far. I didn’t understand how sick I had been for three days. When my friend Devi, said, your potassium, was only 2 god, you could have died at any minute.
The blur of sickness makes its blurring to get to answers.
As the answers unfold what also unfolds is every fact, hospitals didn’t like its visitors to remain after 3 days because insurance doesn’t pay. Fuck insurance in the US of A. So who stops taking care of the patient, EVERYONE. Nurses, Doctors, vital testing, blood testing at the end of 2 days, they just stop. ALL of it STOPS.
I didn’t get it at first and I thought what an odd thing, I have a whole hospital not doing anything. My heart doc, begged me to remain, so I did. I will get that info in the morning but until then I was given a new dose of antibiotics because the insurance needs to see this being done, after all!!! Fuck insurance in the US of A. my mouth is raw now, we are being taken into a new archaic time … I call it new because its not old. What is old, is the lack of healthcare in the US of A.
Stupid is as stupid does? Thanks for Forrest Gump’ mom. They could make money one what is need to heal and that is another chest x-ray or another blood test to back of their lack of work and discharge of a patient.
Work on why the potassium wont hold in safe range, why and what is the liquid that is in the heart and lung area, why aren’t the antibiotics work, what will? Simple questions, keep the insurance happy and fill its needs and then give the doc, employees happy cause they would be doing what they need to. Instead I have entire hospital of angry people unable and there a nurse who has a cold and coughing flu working with those poor people who have, infecting, now wearing a mask.
Hello when did it all go nuts in the world.
FUCK INSURANCE IN THE US of A.
On December 23, 2009, I got sick, I felt as if I had a tickle in my throat and then as two days come I sicker with a cough, called my doc and he told me to take antibiotic so I began, taking two 500 milligrams four times a day until I felt better 57 pills were givent to me.
As the week of the year came I became weak, and gray, no color in my lips, unable to walk, eat, I felt a sense of life leaving my body, the cough was worse, my breath was good and my heart was pounding. I coughed one night all night. I was not even conscious. I tried to feel life and felt emptiness. The day before I went to hospital I went to store, got Jell-O and pudding. I could eat that. After I ate both Jell-O/raspberry, I went to sleep then woke up coughing all night, to wake at 10:30 am. I thought let me get up and get moving, only I couldn’t move so I sat there on my bed, with my legs crossed. 5 hours later, after realizing could not pick and catch my breath. I called a taxi and said pick me up in two hours, I have myself that to get on my jeans, sweater, I keep feeling as if I were going to pass out over and over again.
A week went by, and I began feeling worse, and I thought let me call my heart doctor and ask them, so I did, she said go to hospital if you feel worse.
I walked to the cab and crawled in, he was med tech so he was very kind, got me a nurse and wheel chair. I went in and then waited, for about 20 minutes and I kept falling over and almost passing out.
The nurse, did a EEG and found an irregular heart beat, rapid and blood work showed I had very low potassium. Possible pneumonia looked for the Swine Flu, not. But I didn’t have chills and fever which keep the search for what could it be to come out? Thank god so far. I didn’t understand how sick I had been for three days. When my friend Devi, said, your potassium, was only 2 god, you could have died at any minute.
The blur of sickness makes its blurring to get to answers.
As the answers unfold what also unfolds is every fact, hospitals didn’t like its visitors to remain after 3 days because insurance doesn’t pay. Fuck insurance in the US of A. So who stops taking care of the patient, EVERYONE. Nurses, Doctors, vital testing, blood testing at the end of 2 days, they just stop. ALL of it STOPS.
I didn’t get it at first and I thought what an odd thing, I have a whole hospital not doing anything. My heart doc, begged me to remain, so I did. I will get that info in the morning but until then I was given a new dose of antibiotics because the insurance needs to see this being done, after all!!! Fuck insurance in the US of A. my mouth is raw now, we are being taken into a new archaic time … I call it new because its not old. What is old, is the lack of healthcare in the US of A.
Stupid is as stupid does? Thanks for Forrest Gump’ mom. They could make money one what is need to heal and that is another chest x-ray or another blood test to back of their lack of work and discharge of a patient.
Work on why the potassium wont hold in safe range, why and what is the liquid that is in the heart and lung area, why aren’t the antibiotics work, what will? Simple questions, keep the insurance happy and fill its needs and then give the doc, employees happy cause they would be doing what they need to. Instead I have entire hospital of angry people unable and there a nurse who has a cold and coughing flu working with those poor people who have, infecting, now wearing a mask.
Hello when did it all go nuts in the world.
FUCK INSURANCE IN THE US of A.
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