New Life

All in our own timing, that is what grieving is about, the length isnt the issue the loss is, the sense of impending doom is gone, the doom was waiting for your loved on to live or die. And if you close enough to them you know they are dying. Those who werent can say, they shouldnt have died, too young. To soon, to hard, to ...

Only there isnt any real response other than they lived, loved and died. And I was lucky enough to walk this last walk with Stacey and share her volumes of knowledge not through her but via her people who offered her life in story and love land. Her AA stories are amazing, her life in general. Good on you Stace!

Now this year is about my recovery for that time I spend with her and her illnesses and what it was like to live as a survivor for a loved one who is gone and and is somewhere in the beyond.

During my illness I almost died two times, the last one was horrible, there were no friends, lovers, partners, moms, dads, sons, no one a dark space with a light at the end of the tunnel. As I was called forward, I saw this plot of land or darkened area that had my name written on it. Barbara Rose Guada. "Here, this is yours, come stand on it."

I knew it wasnt a place I wanted to be for any reason, so struggled to gather breath and shake it off, and I finally struggled through to the consious state of life as we experience it. On my way, all I could think of was, I want to live, not die, I am not there, not yet, I want my healthy body back and I want to live, love and dance, in my own honor. Not the honor of the dead.